At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
