Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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