I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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