Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize