Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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