Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
