yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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