Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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