I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
im six kinds of drunk right now
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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