I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Boobs are out for the taking
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
