I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
