I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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