I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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