Have you finally orgasmed yet?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
