please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
