um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
