I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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