Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
