I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
