She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
