I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The air was thick with penises
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
