: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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