I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
