soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
