i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
my poor anus
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize