Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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