The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
