i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
