one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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