Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
