Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
