8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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