I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
