You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
