My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
