Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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