So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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