i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
