I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
