You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
