Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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