Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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