I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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