he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
