Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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