That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
as a side note pls kill me
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
