Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
