I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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