...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
