i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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