Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
