My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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