fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
