well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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