My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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